My usually schedule has been thrown off this week. The woman I work with for the storytelling internship was too busy to meet me on Tuesday. Yesterday, I enjoyed the extra time. I had a whole day with nothing scheduled, and I used it well to think and do chores around the house.
Today, I have a similarly open schedule, though with a couple appointments. This morning I am not enjoying the time. It's too quiet. I get scared that I'm too disconnected from the world. It's funny how I can think of a million things I would like to do, and even do many of them, but the quiet seeps in and makes me wonder if I'm using my time well. The quiet makes me question myself. And in this state of insecurity, it's hard to even do things that I enjoy. I wonder if I shouldn't be doing something else instead.
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A space for reflection, insight, and musing on life.
4 comments:
I think I have been in a similar place. And revisit it from time to time. Time is so different when 'going to work' doesn't take so much of it. Part of the reason why I like having the little bit of work from home is the time factor. I like filling a little time doing something for someone that doesn't live with me. Sometimes it feels like busy work, sometimes it feels like a real contribution, but I am always glad to have it for the structure it gives me. Every now and then, when the load lightens or when I have no project at all, I am in part glad, and in part worried what I will do instead. I have had to create all kinds of structures with my time to help me feel worthwhile and important. Funny how parenting doesn't really guarantee that feeling. You'd think it would...but that day to day time battle can really be a tough one.
Do you find yourself feeling guilty for reading or doing something relaxing you enjoy?
Yeah, I know what you mean about too many quiet days in a row. It can really throw me for a loop, too. I hope your state of insecurity is alleviated by something good and warm and grounding.
While I have similar anxieties about how "well" I "spend" my time, I was thinking today that a lot of creativity can come out of having nothing else to do.
For instance, my husband created a beautiful dinner for me because he didn't have work or school today and all of our errands were done.
And the one year I was home-schooled, with nothing to do most afternoons, I did a lot of writing.
You could say, boredom is the mother of inspiration.
In Eat, Pray, Love (that I'm in the middle of reading) the author first describes her trip to Italy, where they have an expression: il bel far niente (the art of doing nothing). She notes Americans aren't very good at this.
Anne, it's funny because I self justify a lot of my parenting with that whole 'let him get bored' philosophy! In the mornings I work while Andrew plays and sometimes he wanders around looking for something to do. Sometimes I suggest things, but sometimes I don't. I think that it makes him a little more creative with his time and definitely more independent...which has it's ups and downs (like playing with other kids is a struggle for him). And I too find that I need idle time...to just sit sometimes. Or lay down and NOT read or anything. Just rest. But, of course it's that whole stupid balance issue. A little bit of busy, a little bit of not busy...
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