Natural IUDs

I started this post last night and then deleted it in a fit of panic after Googling my name. I have an unusual enough name that I'm not confused with hundreds of other people on Google. And now they have some new search sites where people can see all of my relatives listed and for $50 anyone can purchase a complete background check on me. Not that I have anything to hide -- but yikes! It's just so icky. And now my blog is associated with my name. So I have this vulnerable feeling that makes me want to delete the whole thing.
Nevertheless, I really enjoy the connections I'm making to the few people who actually read the blog, so I've decided to push through my anxiety. Though I still may delete the whole thing. Maybe I'll try coming back under a new name and try for some level of anonymity.
The reason that I feel so vulnerable with this post is that I want to write about something that I wouldn't necessarily share with the world. And yet here I go...
I went to see my OB-GYN on Monday for my annual check-up and to check the status of my uterine polyps. I learned I have uterine polyps last year, and my doctor suggested that I have a surgery to cut them away. "I seriously doubt you'll be able to get pregnant with those things," she told me, "they are like natural IUDs." I decided to try alternative treatment, acupuncture, which I started in April. The good news from my doctor visit is that the acupuncture is having an effect, the polyps are smaller. The bad news is that if I want to get pregnant in the near future, they probably aren't small enough, and progress with alternative methods is slow.
I have very mixed feelings about the surgery. My doctor feels like it's not a big deal--the polyps are annoying, but there's a quick surgery that can make them go away. (Of course I have to be completely sedated, but it's still minimally invasive as far as surgery goes.) I feel like there must be a reason my body is creating these polyps and cutting them--though it may solve the short term problem of getting pregnant--does nothing to address whatever it is in my body that makes these grow. (in fact they almost always come back, and the surgery needs to be repeated) I guess that's where acupuncture comes in, and I should be grateful that I have both options at my disposal. I can both treat the underlying problem and have the quick fix that will allow me to get pregnant.
But I'm deeply torn emotionally about this whole thing. I really don't want to go under the knife or to be sedated. I feel like a wimp for feeling like this, but I do. I also don't want to wait another year or two to be able to conceive. And that feeling is its own rabbit hole of confused emotions.
I never planned to have children. I never planned to not have children, and if anyone ever asked me if I wanted children, I would always say yes. However, I never really gave much serious thought to the fact that having children can involve intention. I certainly never wanted to get pregnant when I didn't want children--when I knew I wasn't prepared to support them financially or emotionally. But to stand up and now admit to myself and the world that I want children is really difficult. To be willing to even go through surgery to make it possible.
I find it hard to plan for my future. I really like thinking that one day I'll look back over my life and be pleasantly surprised by the twists and turns my life took. I don't like admitting that I want something unless it's absolutely certain that I can have it. It's part of what make career planning so hard for me. I just have this deeply ingrained habit of squelching dangerous desires.
So kids--well, I don't know what I imagined. That's the problem, I never imagined. And now I'm imagining having one and it's so scary. It's scary to think that maybe I wouldn't be able to conceive. It's scary to think that there could be years of wanting but not having a baby. It's scary to think of the baby actually arriving in the world and being my responsibility! It's scary to think about the rest of my life being changed by this decision. And the hardest thing--for me--is to face all of those fears and still move forward with determination to realize this desire.
I've scheduled the surgery for December. Unless I get pregnant this month, I'm moving forward with it. :) Please pray to the fertility gods. :)