I struggle with making decisions. This happens on a low-level, like "should I throw this mail in the recycling, do I need to shred it, does Eric need to see it, do I need to file it, should I just leave it sitting in a pile right here in the entry way and think about this tomorrow?"
And on major-levels, like "what should I do with my life? What career should I pursue? Should I be giving more money, more time, more care and if I do give more, to whom should I give it?"
It's like a constant buzz going on in my brain, and sometimes the accumulation of the small decisions, "what face cream should I buy, should I try to stop by that store on my way home or put it off for another day, should I go ahead and make the complicated dish or just make something simple tonight?" creates such a buzz in my internal mind that I have no energy or room for the big decisions.
And then there's the guilt. It sounds like this, "If you would answer the big questions, then that will give you guidance on the small questions. You should meditate more, create quiet in your mind, seek a higher power to give focus and direction to these little questions." But it never seems to work out so simply.
Almost every day I wake up with huge goals of getting a handle on this inner buzz. If I can just write it all down, I reason, or schedule it. Maybe I can set one decision aside per day... Or maybe I should just spend the whole day cleaning up the clutter in my house. Wouldn't that be therapeutic? No, I should probably arrange my to do list based on what's due first and leave the house until last.
And on and on the indecision goes. It bothers me most when I'm emotionally frazzled, like I've felt over the last week. I've got the constant clatter of Christmas present lists and card lists and fears that I won't express my affection properly for friends or that I'll forget someone or that I won't have time to get it all done before leaving for Florida. And I've been juggling dentist and doctor appointments in the midst of it all.
And the more I type out the chaos in my mind, the more neurotic I feel.
It's ironic to me how the more freedom I have in my life the more this chaos intensifies. When I worked full-time, that determined what had priority and so reduced my time that many decisions were just made by necessity. Now that I'm doing so much self-directed work, the chaos can be overwhelming. It can be such a relief to have others making the decisions. And it can be awful.
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5 comments:
Funny that you post this on indecision right after posting that your appt was rescheduled. I guess I thought you were trying to decide whether you should reschedule it for soon or put it off as you continue to try alternative treatments. That seems like the biggest decision on your plate right now. And you made it.
and often when we are together and I can't figure something out I find so much comfort in you being able to figure it out, and thus make the decision.
So, I can see how that inner turmoil is frustrating and can be a little much at times, but I thought it might be nice to know my impression of you at least is that you are a solid, stable, caring friend. Someone I can depend on. Someone I am not worried is hemming and hawing on things that would negatively impact our friendship or your other relationships. I guess I say that because sometimes when I am in my head too much and coming to conclusions I don't like, it always helps when people say what their impression is. Not that I am negating your experience.
Kirsten, look. When it comes down to it, you are a Rock Star. and I don't mean that lightly.
I relate to this feeling exactly. I think that's why I don't like days where I do nothing -- because my mind becomes inundated with thoughts about what I should be doing with those few hours of free time. I spend the first hour deciding that I don't want to do anything on the list of possible things I could do and the next hour feeling guilty over it. This kind of indecision seems symptomatic of an overactive culture to me.
I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed these days. I hope things will settle down a bit after the holiday season blows over.
Since I've been picking over idealist.org, I occasionally see things I wonder about on your behalf. Idealist's "Mail a friend this page" function seems to be malfunctioning lately, so wanted to tell you to go look up this link:
http://www.idealist.org/en/job/250559-76
I must say that the holidays are stressful enough and filled with expectations even without a surgery planned for next week. This is a time in your life when others can take a back seat. For my part I know your love and care is always with me. I totally know what you mean about life being more chaotic without a job. I have been so uncomfortable not having a job to focus on. Freedom is such a gift but I have also found that it leads to mass confusion.
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