The surgery went well. I am home and recovering from the anesthesia. I had forgotten how it always makes me vomit. (My Dad reminded me that when I got my tonsils out in France we learned the French word for vomit--vomir.) But aside from that general discomfort and fatigue, I'm doing well. The surgery was 3 hours late, but the nursing staff and doctors were really great. I felt well cared for and calm throughout the procedure.
Thanks to all for your well wishes, thoughts, and prayers. I felt supported.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
New Beginnings
I know the focus should be on Christmas, since we are still in the advent period, but I'm already getting excited about the new year. I feel like something inside of me is shifting. I'm preparing for another break through of some kind. My dreams have been vivid and rich, I have intense desires to clean out my house, and I get butterflies in my stomach from time to time when I think of the new year. I feel like maybe this year I will make some real headway in figuring out what I want to do with this life of mine. I feel ready for work.
And I received a lovely box full of comfort to see me through the end of the year and the surgery. Thank you so much!
And I received a lovely box full of comfort to see me through the end of the year and the surgery. Thank you so much!
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Exchange
Yesterday I gave my very first "telling" to an audience of children. It was rather anti-climatic. I told a story at a party for homeless families in NYC, and the set-up was terrible. There was music blaring, it was a completely chaotic environment, and just as I started my first story, the food was served, and parents came and motioned for their kids to leave the story area. I started with about 9-10 kids and ended my first story with 4 kids, and my second story with 1 kid. But you know, the best part is that it really was OK. I felt good about my performance. I had been so nervous, and I knew that just going through with the performance would make me feel better. And it did. It made this thing--storytelling--a real thing, rather than some fear in my imagination. And it reminded me that when I'm looking at real children, or adults, something comes over me and I can focus on the task at hand and stop the obsessing about myself that makes me so nervous before an event. I look into their eyes and I realize that they just want me to give the best that I have to give them, and with grace, that will be enough. And that I can do.
On the train ride home I had a NYC moment--the kind that makes me feel like living here is magical. A couple of weeks ago, I learned a string story about a snake and a lizard. The string is the snake, and it winds itself around the sleeping lizard (the hand), but then another lizard comes along and pulls on one part of the string and the snake comes off--miraculously. I didn't practice the story after learning it, and now I can't figure out the pattern. So I was on the train playing with a loop of yarn, winding it around my fingers trying to remember the pattern, when I noticed that the people around me were talking about me. I didn't notice this at first, because they were speaking in Korean. But I looked up from my hand and saw that the woman across from me was motioning in such a way that showed she was talking about my string and me. I smiled at her and showed her the string and asked, "do you know how?" She took the string from me and handed it to a man sitting beside her. He smiled at me, pulled off his glove, and proceeded to stitch the sting onto his fingers. When all of his fingers were encircled by the string, it took his thumb out of its loop and pulled on the string and it all unraveled. I expressed my delight and the woman motioned for me to come sit between them so I could learn it. I watched him do it again, and then I did it while he looked on. They clapped when I figured it out. I did it again to be sure I had it, and then I went back to my seat smiling. The four people in this group were talking and smiling and nodding their heads at me, but we couldn't communicated any further. I showed them the beginning of cat's cradle and said, "do you know this story?" and the woman smiled and nodded, though I'm not sure she understood me.
Anyhow, I now have a new string story. I'll have to do some research and see if a story goes with it. Or maybe make one up.
On the train ride home I had a NYC moment--the kind that makes me feel like living here is magical. A couple of weeks ago, I learned a string story about a snake and a lizard. The string is the snake, and it winds itself around the sleeping lizard (the hand), but then another lizard comes along and pulls on one part of the string and the snake comes off--miraculously. I didn't practice the story after learning it, and now I can't figure out the pattern. So I was on the train playing with a loop of yarn, winding it around my fingers trying to remember the pattern, when I noticed that the people around me were talking about me. I didn't notice this at first, because they were speaking in Korean. But I looked up from my hand and saw that the woman across from me was motioning in such a way that showed she was talking about my string and me. I smiled at her and showed her the string and asked, "do you know how?" She took the string from me and handed it to a man sitting beside her. He smiled at me, pulled off his glove, and proceeded to stitch the sting onto his fingers. When all of his fingers were encircled by the string, it took his thumb out of its loop and pulled on the string and it all unraveled. I expressed my delight and the woman motioned for me to come sit between them so I could learn it. I watched him do it again, and then I did it while he looked on. They clapped when I figured it out. I did it again to be sure I had it, and then I went back to my seat smiling. The four people in this group were talking and smiling and nodding their heads at me, but we couldn't communicated any further. I showed them the beginning of cat's cradle and said, "do you know this story?" and the woman smiled and nodded, though I'm not sure she understood me.
Anyhow, I now have a new string story. I'll have to do some research and see if a story goes with it. Or maybe make one up.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Indecision
I struggle with making decisions. This happens on a low-level, like "should I throw this mail in the recycling, do I need to shred it, does Eric need to see it, do I need to file it, should I just leave it sitting in a pile right here in the entry way and think about this tomorrow?"
And on major-levels, like "what should I do with my life? What career should I pursue? Should I be giving more money, more time, more care and if I do give more, to whom should I give it?"
It's like a constant buzz going on in my brain, and sometimes the accumulation of the small decisions, "what face cream should I buy, should I try to stop by that store on my way home or put it off for another day, should I go ahead and make the complicated dish or just make something simple tonight?" creates such a buzz in my internal mind that I have no energy or room for the big decisions.
And then there's the guilt. It sounds like this, "If you would answer the big questions, then that will give you guidance on the small questions. You should meditate more, create quiet in your mind, seek a higher power to give focus and direction to these little questions." But it never seems to work out so simply.
Almost every day I wake up with huge goals of getting a handle on this inner buzz. If I can just write it all down, I reason, or schedule it. Maybe I can set one decision aside per day... Or maybe I should just spend the whole day cleaning up the clutter in my house. Wouldn't that be therapeutic? No, I should probably arrange my to do list based on what's due first and leave the house until last.
And on and on the indecision goes. It bothers me most when I'm emotionally frazzled, like I've felt over the last week. I've got the constant clatter of Christmas present lists and card lists and fears that I won't express my affection properly for friends or that I'll forget someone or that I won't have time to get it all done before leaving for Florida. And I've been juggling dentist and doctor appointments in the midst of it all.
And the more I type out the chaos in my mind, the more neurotic I feel.
It's ironic to me how the more freedom I have in my life the more this chaos intensifies. When I worked full-time, that determined what had priority and so reduced my time that many decisions were just made by necessity. Now that I'm doing so much self-directed work, the chaos can be overwhelming. It can be such a relief to have others making the decisions. And it can be awful.
And on major-levels, like "what should I do with my life? What career should I pursue? Should I be giving more money, more time, more care and if I do give more, to whom should I give it?"
It's like a constant buzz going on in my brain, and sometimes the accumulation of the small decisions, "what face cream should I buy, should I try to stop by that store on my way home or put it off for another day, should I go ahead and make the complicated dish or just make something simple tonight?" creates such a buzz in my internal mind that I have no energy or room for the big decisions.
And then there's the guilt. It sounds like this, "If you would answer the big questions, then that will give you guidance on the small questions. You should meditate more, create quiet in your mind, seek a higher power to give focus and direction to these little questions." But it never seems to work out so simply.
Almost every day I wake up with huge goals of getting a handle on this inner buzz. If I can just write it all down, I reason, or schedule it. Maybe I can set one decision aside per day... Or maybe I should just spend the whole day cleaning up the clutter in my house. Wouldn't that be therapeutic? No, I should probably arrange my to do list based on what's due first and leave the house until last.
And on and on the indecision goes. It bothers me most when I'm emotionally frazzled, like I've felt over the last week. I've got the constant clatter of Christmas present lists and card lists and fears that I won't express my affection properly for friends or that I'll forget someone or that I won't have time to get it all done before leaving for Florida. And I've been juggling dentist and doctor appointments in the midst of it all.
And the more I type out the chaos in my mind, the more neurotic I feel.
It's ironic to me how the more freedom I have in my life the more this chaos intensifies. When I worked full-time, that determined what had priority and so reduced my time that many decisions were just made by necessity. Now that I'm doing so much self-directed work, the chaos can be overwhelming. It can be such a relief to have others making the decisions. And it can be awful.
Update from the Doctor
The surgery is rescheduled for Wednesday the 19th. I will be glad to have it over and done with. Such an emotional roller coaster!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Not Comforting
"So I have to go over the risks of surgery with you before you sign this release form. Okay, so there's bleeding. Anyone can bleed when you go in for surgery. I don't expect to have to give you a transfusion, but it's always a possibility. Let's see, perforation. I could puncture your uterine wall. That's far more likely for pregnant women. Being pregnant makes the uterus wall softer. It actually takes a lot of pressure to push through a normal woman's uterus. Of course, the bladder and the bowels are right there, so if something did puncture the uterus lining, it could get complicated. Now I'm not going to wake you up at this point, I would just open you up and fix it and then deliver the bad news. I mean they're horrendous stories, but they do happen. But you could get hit by a car walking down the street and that's a horrendous story too."
Counting on fingers..."bleeding, perforation, oh yeah, so sometimes the cervix just won't open enough for the laparoscopy. That's not so common with a young woman like you, but if it happens, I have to cut and then check to see if I got the right spot. It's not ideal, but it happens. So we've done bleeding, perforation, anatomical complications...also, I put a fluid inside of you so that I can see better. Over time that gets absorbed into the blood stream. Gosh when we first started doing these surgeries women died from it. But now we have a way of measuring how much fluid you're absorbing and if the machine starts beeping, I just have to stop the surgery. It's annoying because then when you wake up I have to tell you we have to do it all over again. I don't think this will be a problem for you. You're having a short procedure. It's the huge fibroids that run into this issue.
"You know, I think I just say all of this so that you'll think I'm an amazing surgeon when it's all over. Well, and I have to tell you. Shall we go over the other options and the benefits of the surgery?"
Counting on fingers..."bleeding, perforation, oh yeah, so sometimes the cervix just won't open enough for the laparoscopy. That's not so common with a young woman like you, but if it happens, I have to cut and then check to see if I got the right spot. It's not ideal, but it happens. So we've done bleeding, perforation, anatomical complications...also, I put a fluid inside of you so that I can see better. Over time that gets absorbed into the blood stream. Gosh when we first started doing these surgeries women died from it. But now we have a way of measuring how much fluid you're absorbing and if the machine starts beeping, I just have to stop the surgery. It's annoying because then when you wake up I have to tell you we have to do it all over again. I don't think this will be a problem for you. You're having a short procedure. It's the huge fibroids that run into this issue.
"You know, I think I just say all of this so that you'll think I'm an amazing surgeon when it's all over. Well, and I have to tell you. Shall we go over the other options and the benefits of the surgery?"
More on Death
Today's poem from the Writer's Almanac fit quite well with my weekend reflections.
Read it here. (It's Tuesday's poem if you follow the link on another day, I think you'll get the current day.)
Read it here. (It's Tuesday's poem if you follow the link on another day, I think you'll get the current day.)
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